still and small

whew! what a difference a day makes. last night after hearing the need for an mri for buggie, i was devastated. how could this be happening? i was just so sure she had cancer. i cried out to God most of the night. i asked Him to make my faith real to me. give me the life and actions and not just the right words. i say that i trust Him until something comes along that doesn't feel or look so great and then that trust was just some pretty words i used when all was well with the world.

bug and i had a typical day. sure, i often found myself staring at her wondering if something horrible was growing inside of her, but for the most part it was a normal day. we went out today to order her birthday cake. we went to dinner and then to church. it was before dinner when bug and i were waiting in the car for honey bear that my God let me hear Him.

i turned on a cd that i listen to just about every time i'm in the car. i thought bug would enjoy the music since she has really taken up dancing lately. i turned on the cd and i usually skip right to song 3. for some reason today i stopped on song 2, said to bug, "oops, not this one. oh, well, we'll listen to it," and was reminded of the faithfulness of the God i serve. here are the lyrics i heard as i stopped on a song i normally pass over:

I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
-barlow girl

um, yes, Lord, i hear You! what a feeling of absolute joy and comfort as i realized my God that i poured my heart out to the night before, my God that i questioned and doubted hadn't forgotten me or stopped listening. He waited until my mind and heart were calm and spoke clearly to me about His unending faithfulness.

sure, i still wonder what the mri results will show. i wonder what the next weeks hold for us and for my sweet girl. but i have absolutely no doubt Who is going before us into those days. i am sure my worry will still kick in occasionally, but i am trusting the Lord to take care of my daughter as only He can. and whatever the test results show Jesus is still King and God is always good!

fyi, bug's mri is scheduled for friday morning. please be in prayer for her.