friday and chili's and friends and snow

oh, i just love friday. it means that my sweet husband gets to stay home with us tomorrow. and this saturday it really means we get to stay home together because it is S.N.O.W.I.N.G!!!

tonight i had dinner at one of my favorite places - chili's - with some of my favorite friends from church. we had such a nice time together girl talking and God talking. talking about God's grace and forgiveness and what it looks like to live out what we say we believe never gets old to me. i love talking to all kinds of people but there is nothing as sweet as the conversations had with other believers. heaven is gonna be pretty awesome!

so i guess that is it for tonight. i am going to go settle in with my honey bear to enjoy some quiet snow time together before bug gets up bright and early in the morning! hope you have a cozy weekend!

wordless wednesday - he loves me!

a day late is better than never!

it is 20 minutes to midnight...

and i am at a loss for blog fodder. the only thing on my mind at this moment is my great desire for a big glass of dr. pepper with lots of ice...mmmm....that would really hit the spot.

i tried to guilt honey bear into going out to get some. i am not pregnant so my cravings are not so readily fulfilled. i told him if he loved me he would go out for some dr. pepper. that was about an hour ago and he hasn't left his spot on the couch. i'm pretty sure this just proves he doesn't want to get dressed and go out this late at night and not that his love for me is waning. right? =)

oh, i suppose i will just go to bed. if i'm asleep it would be hard to drink a dr. pepper anyway.

mama said there'd be days like this

whew! i am glad this monday is coming to a close. my day started at 5 am this morning. i was awakened by a bloody murder screaming baby. i don't think i have ever moved that fast in my life. bug has been having some potty issues and 5 am seemed like a good time to go, i suppose. so i quieted and changed her and went back to bed. she woke again at 7:30 quite fussy. she was able to go back to sleep and the next thing i knew i looked at the clock and it was 9:15 - not too bad! though my head was hurting something terrible...

bug has been quite fussy today. she is teething. if there is a toothless spot in her mouth a tooth is trying to come through! and those molars - ugh! i understand her discomfort. but i am beat, and so is she. we just went through our normal bedtime routine - supper, bath, play, story, pray, rock, bed - and i am going to take a bubble bath (yes, my first act of personal hygiene today other than washing my hands). i am in the middle of nicholas sparks's dear john so i think i will take that to the tub with me. goodbye, monday!

there'd be days like this my mama said...i think she told me about this...

thumbs up thursday

i knew when bug turned 12 months old we would transition from formula (no, i didn't breastfeed...)to milk; i just didn't know how to transition. so at her 12 month well check we discussed milk with the pediatrician. the doctor told us to go ahead and stop the formula and give bug milk. ideally she should get 12-16 ounces of milk per day.

since we were getting rid of the formula i decided it was a good time to just go ahead and pack away the bottles, too. bug was using a sippy cup at least once a day anyway so i was hoping for a smooth switch - and it really was! i don't think she even notices that the bottles are gone. however, bug didn't drink nearly as much, not even the necessary 12 ounces, without much coaxing.

one evening while we were having dinner out we discovered that our girl likes to drink from a straw. and the light went on - sippy cups with straws! ever since switching from the regular sippy to the straw sippy we have had no problems at all getting bug to drink her milk. this mama is glad to have one less thing to stress over. =)

i know, straw sippies are not a new invention. but they are new to us! and we give them a big thumbs up!

wordless wednesday - my heart at 2 days old

and the results are in

the pediatrician called early this evening. bug's mri results were back. we are praising our Father that it was not a tumor. this had been my biggest fear and we are so thankful that cancer is not something we are facing.

the spot that was seen, though, is an arachnoid cyst. i am just learning about this myself so i will spare you my little knowledge. all i know for sure right now is that the doctor told us we can now breathe a sigh of relief. this cyst is not fatal. it can grow and cause some problems so it is necessary for us to meet with a neurosurgeon at duke. our pediatrician did already consult with the neurosurgeon and was told that right now with the present size of the cyst surgery does not appear necessary. after our appointment with the neurosurgeon i am hoping to have a clearer understanding of the cyst. so far in my googling this article from the children's hospital boston has been the clearest and most comforting.

God did answer so many of our prayers for our girl so i feel bad that i am not completely relieved. i would much prefer it to be nothing than to be the not so bad diagnosis. i find myself asking God why this is necessary. i want to understand. and yet i realize that i may never understand why God does some of the things He does. my trust and faith continues to be challenged. i hope to come out of this stronger in faith and closer to my God.

we do still covet your prayers on bug's behalf. please pray that the consult with the neurosurgeon will go well and will bring some clarity and pray that the cyst remains small in size and possibly even goes away all together. thank you for your prayers as we awaited the mri results - they were not in vain!

birthday preview

UPDATE:
here is a facebook link to look at the pictures from the party. you don't have to have a facebook account to see the pictures.

and check out some other DIY projects at kimba's blog!



bug's birthday party is saturday! i looked and looked for first birthday decorations that i liked but never found anything. so i decided to take matters into my own hands. here are a couple pictures of what is done so far. i will, of course, take plenty of pictures at the party and post them. this is just a little taste!

excuse the clutter!

i borrowed the tissue paper ball idea from kelly.

just a little reminder, bug will have an mri tomorrow morning at 10:30. please pray that we get a clear scan and that the side effects from the sedation will be few! thank you!

still and small

whew! what a difference a day makes. last night after hearing the need for an mri for buggie, i was devastated. how could this be happening? i was just so sure she had cancer. i cried out to God most of the night. i asked Him to make my faith real to me. give me the life and actions and not just the right words. i say that i trust Him until something comes along that doesn't feel or look so great and then that trust was just some pretty words i used when all was well with the world.

bug and i had a typical day. sure, i often found myself staring at her wondering if something horrible was growing inside of her, but for the most part it was a normal day. we went out today to order her birthday cake. we went to dinner and then to church. it was before dinner when bug and i were waiting in the car for honey bear that my God let me hear Him.

i turned on a cd that i listen to just about every time i'm in the car. i thought bug would enjoy the music since she has really taken up dancing lately. i turned on the cd and i usually skip right to song 3. for some reason today i stopped on song 2, said to bug, "oops, not this one. oh, well, we'll listen to it," and was reminded of the faithfulness of the God i serve. here are the lyrics i heard as i stopped on a song i normally pass over:

I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
-barlow girl

um, yes, Lord, i hear You! what a feeling of absolute joy and comfort as i realized my God that i poured my heart out to the night before, my God that i questioned and doubted hadn't forgotten me or stopped listening. He waited until my mind and heart were calm and spoke clearly to me about His unending faithfulness.

sure, i still wonder what the mri results will show. i wonder what the next weeks hold for us and for my sweet girl. but i have absolutely no doubt Who is going before us into those days. i am sure my worry will still kick in occasionally, but i am trusting the Lord to take care of my daughter as only He can. and whatever the test results show Jesus is still King and God is always good!

fyi, bug's mri is scheduled for friday morning. please be in prayer for her.

AGHHHHHUGHHHH!!!!!

that is how i am feeling tonight - like i want to just yell at someone.

bug had her CAT scan today. it went really well. sedation wasn't necessary and we were done in about 10 minutes start to finish. i was so proud of my girl. tonight at about 6:15 our pediatrician called with the results. she let us know that the problem they had been concerned about (a blockage) was not there! we praise the Lord for this answer to our prayers. she did have some other information for us. the radiologist noticed a small spot at the base of bug's head. they have ordered an MRI. best case scenario here is the spot is absolutely nothing - just a blip in the film. the not so bad scenario is that the spot is a pretty common cyst that we may have to do nothing about. the worst case is cancer.

when i heard that word i immediately broke down. of course i think we are destined to be told this is the worst case scenario. i just keep asking God why this is all happening if it is only going to come back as a clean scan. is He trying to teach us the necessity of trusting only Him? why can't he do that by taking away our financial means or by having our car breakdown? why does He have to mess with my sweet girl? and then i remember He is God and He can do whatever He wants. and that His ways are not my ways - His ways are always for good. i have to believe that now. i know it in my head but my heart isn't so sure.

so we will schedule the MRI tomorrow. please pray with us that this spot seen on the CAT scan is just a blur in the film. my Savior sustained this baby girl in my womb and has sustained her for this first year of her life. He knows what's best for her.

i am going to get back to work. i am working on decorations for bug's birthday party. the party is saturday afternoon. we WILL have a good time celebrating this sweet little girl and her first year of many with us!

anxious

my little bug was born early at 35 weeks (little stinker!). however, she was very fortunate and the worst problem she had was some pretty pesky jaundice. now at a year old she is right on developmental track with full term babies the same age. the Lord has really blessed us and our sweet girl.

this past friday we went in for bug's 12 month well check. all was looking happy and healthy except her little...or, ahem...not so little head. this month her head measurements spiked since her last visit at 9 months. i haven't really been sharing with too many people - something about keeping to ourselves makes it feel like it isn't real - but bug will go in tomorrow morning for a CAT scan to check out her skull and to make sure there are no blockages causing a build up of fluid. if you know me you know i am a worry wort! so since friday my stomach has been in knots.

i have been talking to God every moment i get asking for a clean report, asking why He has allowed this if we are just going to get a clean report...and then i feel pretty self absorbed. there are parents out there facing some pretty serious stuff with their children. kate mcrae has been constantly on my mind. kate is a 6 year old little girl battling a brain tumor. her family needs all the prayer they can get, and here i am making myself sick over a test that will most likely prove my daughter is just fine.

i guess i just want to ask for your prayers on bug's behalf. she will most likely be sedated so we are hoping there are no side effects. and we are, of course, praying that the scan will prove my sweet girl's head is just fine.

here's hoping the poor girl has simply inherited her mama's big head (i had the same issue as a baby, though knowing this doesn't make my worry any less)! trying to trust in the One who writes all of our days - He has always proven Himself faithful and there is no reason for me to think He won't do so again. His plan is always best even if it doesn't feel good.

enough...or is it?

i was singing at the top of my lungs while i was driving this evening. this is nothing new - i
tend to do this whenever driving alone (and sometimes not alone). but tonight while i was singing the following words it was different:

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

All of you is more than enough for all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me with your love
and all I have in you is more than enough

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King You're everything
Still more awesome than I know

All of you is more than enough for all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me with your love
and all I have in you is more than enough

in the midst of my little private car concert i heard, "really, danielle, am I enough? are you truly satisfied with only Me?" i am still floored whenever the Lord speaks directly to me. no, it wasn't an audible voice. it was that still small voice speaking a thought to me that i couldn't have possibly come up with myself. if i came up with it myself i would say that the Lord is for sure all i need and that i am totally content with nothing and no one other than Him. but He caught me in the midst of my personal ego boost where i was letting myself know how spiritually arrived i am and how together i have it and brought me back down to where my heart really is - often unsatisfied, relying on and trusting in earthly possessions and humans, always wanting more and not being fulfilled in all that i do possess.

it was impossible for me to continue singing. how could i go on singing these words when the One i was offering them to saw right through me? and was i really offering the song to Him or to myself to make myself feel all right about where i am in my Christian walk? i, unfortunately, believe the latter is the truth.

while i am embarrassed and ashamed of my conceited motives, i am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who will not leave me reveling in my worthless acts of goodness and pretty lyrics but who will show me where my heart really is and just as quickly forgive me. His faithfulness and love is still overwhelming to me. what an awesome God we serve!

this new year i hope to get to the place in my life and walk with Jesus where i can sing with all sincerity "all of You is more than enough for all of me."

time flies when you're having fun

a year ago today i learned that i have a lot more love in my heart than i knew existed and that i am a lot stronger physically than i ever imagined! a year ago today my heart was born and began living on the outside of my body. i became mommy to this sweet sweet girl a year ago today.


my little bug,

every day i thank the Lord for allowing me to be the one to take care of you. He could've chosen anyone to be your mommy but He chose me and i am so grateful. you bring such joy to each day - even those tough, crabby teething days i wouldn't trade for anything in the world. when you smile, even for a moment, all the hard days are more than worth it. tears and messes, dirty diapers and sleepless nights are small in comparison to how big my happiness is because of you!

it is so crazy how such a little girl who can't speak a word can teach me so much about myself and about our Savior. you have shown me just how important a daily, personal relationship with Jesus is. and while this special day was just for you i hope that you will know that nothing in this world is more important than knowing Jesus as your Savior. if i leave nothing behind on this earth than a daughter who loves and serves the Lord my life will have been well worth every minute.

this has been the absolute best, most overwhelming, extremely challenging, completely joyful, most fun, fantastically wonderful year of my life! you have made our family whole. and while your daddy and i pray that the Lord has brothers and sisters in His plan for us we know that our hearts are overflowing with love and completely full having you as our daughter.

thank you, my sweet buggie girl, for making me want to be a better person, a better wife, a better friend, a better example of Jesus. you have changed our lives and we would never want to go back to the way it was before you. while i miss my little baby girl i am so excited to see you grow and don't know if i can be more proud of you than i am right now. you are my joy.

i love you with my whole heart, my sweet bug.

your mommy